So, lately I have been coming to terms with my life. With how my brain works and how much damage this society can have on artists and those who are neurodivergent.
Tonight or tomorrow as I write this at 12:43 AM. I updated my wix subscription from monthly to one year right?
The process for me to use PayPal is usually they give me a pop up to confirm how I am paying. Alas; I glanced at the payment. Thought it was the right one and now I am overdrafted due to the payment not being in the right place. There was no pop up for me to reconfirm my purchase, my pattern I expected was nowhere to be found. Now past me would of cried and panicked, despite her having way more money than I have now.
I will say I did panic a bit and began to figure out how to resolve the problem. I changed the payment after it went through and decided to take the L. I have been taking many L's in the last 4 months and tiny mistakes have been costing me. I get overwhelmed with newness and I was angry that all the progress I made for myself over the last ten years seemed to disappear in 2 months dealing with the wrong person. But I realized; I was dealing with the wrong mindset, people and overall expectation of my life for over 10 years which truly got me in this mess. Me; I be the problem. So, I am also the solution.
The only reason why I didn't scream and cry into a meltdown; is because I have figured out that if I cannot even; I just cannot even. So, I am writing this blog. Getting my thoughts out instead of calling a friend who probably has their own issues. I'm like well let's just use what happened as motivation to create.
Creating has always been my way of escaping or dealing with my emotions. Writing things out instead of drinking is a win in my book. I use to get so stressed with money mistakes that I couldn't even buy groceries without sweating. That was when I made 4k+ a month being a teacher assistant ,contract freelancer but I was DEPRESSED AS FRICK because I had no energy to create for myself. Now I am investing in my business despite odds and rent is still due by the 5th. I have been making strides in my financial security despite social anxiety looming it's ugly head on me.
There has been so much happening in my life. So, I write instead of wallow.
Would you believe me if I said in response to this mishap of money; I went outside to go smoke a CBD cig, watched a raccoon patiently dig in the trash and then came back inside to write this? Probably not, but it's the truth.
See, when you are audhd, patterns matter but they can also be your downfall. I didn't get the pattern I usually get with purchasing and it's cost me money.
I see patterns in people, and I still believe in their goodness.
I legit hate daily structure but I need structure to function.
I am a chaotic sweetie but in the same boat I live in a capitalist society of America.
So....how do you not have a breakdown? Well, this is how I do it.
Learn how to take the L. Just let it happen.
Get a hobby and have something you love to do that can get you money in the long run.(Painting, Writing etc.)
Believe in yourself knowing that yes you fucked up; but it doesn't have to be the end
Like Glorilla said " Can get my feelings hurt today, I won't give a F-ck tomorrow.
But what do I know? I'm just Zakia writing her feelings on a blog in hopes that this helps someone.
I am an artist.
I am a black woman.
I am someone who once had a lot of stability and now I am back at square 0.5.
Thank you for reading my feelings. I'm going to sleep. Many people can't even afford that, so I gotta have gratitude about that.
コメント