So, it's been a long time since I have actually been able to sit here and enjoy the process of writing again. I was feeling so pulled apart for honestly; years and still was making things happen.
I still showed up as a grade assistant (Co-teacher who's honestly an underpaid child therapist)
I still showed up to my nonprofit works in Milwaukee with a smile on my face; sometimes.
Quite frankly; I was unhappy with where I was and how I was beginning to lose the love of spaces I once loved so much.
I always followed my heart when it came to decisions; she never steered me wrong.
When I picked my high school; I knew I wanted to be at King International instead of Arts or Riverside. I KNEW this in my ass; in my heart. It was the place for me to grow but also I had so much doubt in my heart about showing up authentically due to bullying in grade school.
So, the result? I was a smart kid but I gave up and didn't do my hardest work. But I did love my english teachers, I loved art class but I hated how I didn't feel like I was enough to be in the higher art classes. I was always invited into the art room and even the art show they had! But I was unprepared due to: Lack of confidence in my ability, probably undiagnosed adhd and depression from being groomed behind closed doors.
I was a sensitive child. I am still a sensitive child of the world. So, I carried this spirit of being sensitive, of being artsy and being one who honestly did want to fit in: But I never could fit in. You know the one quiet kid?
I was the quiet kid who could talk a mile a minute if you let me.
I was the quiet kid who could create the art project and everyone around me was freaking clueless about the assignment at times.
I was the quiet kid who honestly; because of all the anger I had in myself about not fitting in: I decided to play video games after it was introduced to me by my sister and her best friend's son nicknamed Peanut.
Look: I be ranting.
ANYWAYS
I am here to finally write a blog post because I kept censoring myself. I kept holding in my distaste of things. I kept holding in so fucking much that quite frankly: I mentally died after the worse narcistic I met in my life so far. I kept trying to prove myself knowing that I already was worthy of a healthier love.
I practiced being a better woman for myself, I was still showing up to work, I was paying all my bills by myself with some parental help. My dad still pays my phone bill yall; I am a daddy's girl. But I had the need to save people, to help people, to be a good person despite my distate of how I was treated for so long. That when it was time for me to let a person go who entered my life after ghosting me the first time; I held on.
I held on and what I felt I worked so hard on for over 10 years of my life.
My fucking achievements:
Graduating Rufus King Highschool despite being groomed by pedophiles
Gradating college cum laude Art Therapy with minors in studio art, (philosophy I will claim cause fuck that one professor who was unorganized bro), and WITH honors and a Peace Building Certificate. WHILE: My only sister died my first semester, I became a Resident Assistant who never wanted someone to feel alone as I did(still pulling myself everywhere)
Juggling multiple campus jobs, people's emotions I didn't need to carry , and yet still showing up for folks who couldn't show up for me.
SOAR Leader ( Student Orientation Leader)
Promise Program Coach (AND a mentee straight up betrayed my trust; I still continued)
Secretary/Student Success Center Front Desk Worker
PEARLS For Teen Girls Teen Facilitator(Don't get me started on how my first partner legit left me to do it by myself. LIKE MAAM I NEED A MENTOR TF), Junior Program Coordinator and I came back to them like twice!
For #7 I LOVE PEARLS: I always was just wishing for them to have an art therapist and I hope to be that for them still <3 . Just need a full ride scholarship for graduate school.
Survived fucking quarantine!
Interned at AWE( Artists Working In Education) to then become a Co-Lead and then a Lead Artist in the matter of less than 5 years. WITH NO CAR.
Did I mention I did all of this with NO CAR? I relied on my friends and family to get me safely places. I didn't do too many ubers.
Driving still is anxiety for meeeeee: Passenger princess me
Created a mural on the southside of Milwaukee through AWE
Accomplished being an artist for the Bronzeville Letters
Held workshops for children and adults alike for numerous years.
Look. I have done a lot that I cannot even right now write now. But the bottom line: I LET A MF WHO TIED THEIR WORTH TO THEIR WEALTH FUCKING TELL ME MY ART COULD BE COPIED.
Bitch: I am Zakia J Wells. The fuck I look like?
So, I write this blog full of love, full of releasing what I have held back and promising myself I rather be a mess by myself vs EVER again prove who the fuck I am to the wrong people.
The right people will find my blog; they always have!
The right people will be in my life: they always have!
The right time for me to glow into who I knew I could be: is happening TUHDAY.
A blog is a blog; you gotta be you yall.
This long as a rant is me not humbly bragging but affirming to myself that
I EXISTED AND I REFUSE TO LET OTHER PEOPLE TELL MY STORY.
I love me more than every now; I will not allow anyone to take that away from me again.
So, if you're a person who did so much for others: I ask you just release!
Fucking cuss, pray on it, draw about it.
Learn as you go!
You're going to fuck up and have moments where you don't know where you're going.
Do not listen to people who love their fucking misery.
Listen to folks who you want to be like.
I know who I wanna be like: Myself.
I been teaching folks how to be themselves for years and now
NOW?
I AM TEACHING ME AND SHOWING UP AS FULLY ME.
This world is full of people performing so damn much that they trap themselves in narratives of others.
Free yourself.
BE YOU.
<3 Thank you for reading my blog.
I reject the labels folks put on me: I am my own fucking label.
Zakia Wells
A MF CREATRIX OF MY REALITY AND LIFE <3
Comments