It's been over 2 months since my last blog post. I had three commitments for myself to do; and I challenged you the reader to have three for yourself. I can be truthful and say: I failed. But I also found out more about myself through the failure.
My commitments were:
• No Phone Scrolling in Bed When Waking Up and Going To Sleep
• A 30 Minute Walk Afterwork
• Step Out My Introvert Comfortzone by talking to strangers on purpose.
How did I do? The first one quite terribly. I have gotten far as lessening my time on the phone and switching up the activities I do on my phone. My usual routine was to immediately check my social medias,emails, scroll etc. Now I've fallen into a pattern of meditation videos, Bitlife and checking my text messages with a bit of social media scrolling. I say all of this to say; don't expect perfction in one week. Especially if you're goal setting; if you can easily stop doing things cold turkey more power to you. However, if you're like me where you can sometimes go cold turkey or you're in denial while having a goal: you have to figure out the reason why you have the habit in the first place.
This habit you're breaking is so far serving a purpose for you; so you have to find a purpose suited for you to change it completely. I remember actually being able to quit cold turkey with a habit for 30 days; I relasped immediately after it was up because I was doing a challenge with others with a time limit instructed by my teacher. Once the magic of doing things together wore off and the time limit was up so was my motivation for doing the change in the first place. I didn't have a motivation truly outside of my current goals, the parameters of the challenge; I didn't truly have something that would give me the same satisfacation even if it solved some problems I had within those 30 days. So, instead of beating myself up this week I am now writing this article. I want everyone to practice giving themselves some grace vs pure "push through it!" as when you've been pushing for years; you're fucking tired. When you're tired; it's time to get yourself in a flow state vs pure action fight on state.
So, to get to this state of flow I had to do three things realizing I wasn't going to quit my phone usage in bed
Acknowledge my current truth about myself. Example: You accept that you hate doing the dishes.
Change the wording around the activity and even how you treat yourself during it. Example: Work on the excessive use of the phone while in bed vs no phone scrolling. This change makes me decide when I am doing"too much" on my phone. I can compare and contrast my usage with little judgement.
Accept that I am a growing adult who has used her phone as a way to soothe herself in times of extreme isolation and to cure isolation; you must do the opposite of isolate. You must start to be around people. Which, I'm going right now while writing this post. I am not at home writing but at a bar as it's taco tuesday. I am a heaux for tacos.
Anyone notice how I snuck my "treat" in there? Despite not fulfilling my first goal I am still holding myself in grace vs shame. I have given myself a treat(tacos) which is attached to something that is assoicated with why I use my phone so much.
Excessive Phone Usage: Seeking connection/people.
My Solution: Be mindful of my phone usage, change the apps I deal with and put myself into a somewhat tradition on a Tuesday currently to hold myself accountable about posting on my blog.
My second goal was A 30 Minute Walk Afterwork
Now look since the post I have explored my neighborhood so much more by walking; and I never said this had to be a a daily thing. I technically did a 1hr walk at times throughout the month and it honestly was very refreshing to push my legs vs stay at home. This goal quite frankly was the easiest one for me especially as I walk a lot during the day. I challlenged myself to walk to my place of work (30 minute walk) and it was honestly pretty fun.
The reward; tiramisu.
The final goal of speaking outside of my comfortzone is the one that made this blog post take so long.
I am a person who likes to isolate themselves when they are in trouble,overwhelmed or honestly when I'm just over my world. I took a whole month away from the circles I was in. I stopped giving readings. I stopped frequenting places like a ritual that were draining my energy. Even my favorite spot on a tuesday closed it's doors on tuesdays suddenly the very next week I set my goals. But in it's place a month or so later; opened up an art night. One where I could challenge myself to speak to other creatives; while I was severely figuring out my mind,my purpose and my truth.
Pause. All of what was written was above was written sporaidically and not in a timely fashion at all. I had a lot to unpack emotionally and mentally in my life. To even show up today now as I write this on January 24th with more wins than losses. A few include;
Putting more faith into myself. For years even when I was accomplishing things in the public eye or for myself; I still would doubt much of what I was doing. It took a lot of personal conversations, healing chats, therapy sessions, cries, journaling, singing and really getting myself into a space where I realized; I do great things and I will continue to do so!
Honoring my time and my budget. I stopped going out just because all my friends were. I began to stay in to enjoy time with myself, cook with myself, be with myself again without the guilt of missing out or being productive. I really had to fight the guilt of not showing up for people. But I couldn't even show up for myself so how could I expect to show up for others?
Started to take my mind and heart like precious jewels. I began to cultivate and trim thoughts,people and places that were draining me. I stopped giving 2nd chances to people who proved they would hurt me the first time with no remorse. I began to learn how I loved; was just how I loved. I needed to find a match to such love vs force myself into being loved. I've changed myself so much that I forgot myself. So, I had to take inventory of my growth, my weaknesses and my strengths to sort out any future romantic prospects. To say the least; I've gained more energy stalkers than ever because I've began to deny people access to myself.
I am happy and proud to finally publish this blog post and move on to the next one.
Thank you for reading a young lady's blog. I'm happy I am even typing!
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